Interview with a Security Guru

With the ongoing security situation in Pakistan, especially with the military, yours truly decided to conduct an in depth interview with a very senior security consultant codename USE. For reasons of security (what else?) his name will not be disclosed, suffice to say that he is a very senior military officer, expert in everything (like all of us), and most of all matters of national and internal security.

Me: Hello sir!
USE: At ease, bloody civilian.

Me: Thank you sir. Can you please shed some light on the recurring breaches of security and sovereignty that are happening?
USE: What rubbish! There has never been a breach, ever.

Me: Sir, you said the same thing when the GHQ was attacked two years ago....
USE: It has come to light that it was a joint jooish/raw/indian saazish, and nothing really happened, just like the OBL thing that happened in Abottabad was a figment of imagination. There was no OBL, no blackhawk, no house, no nothing.

Me: How do you know that?
USE: General Aslam Beg told me.

Me: Oh ok! What about the attack on PNS Mehran?
USE: What attack? Thats just some Hindus lighting up firecrackers on Sharae Faisal.

Me: There are still some Hindus left in Pakistan? Isn't that a security breach in itself?
USE: No, they are actually Muslims pretending to be Hindus, pretending to be Taliban. Mr. Zaid Hamid told me.

Me: So the Taliban are Indian agents, pretending to be Muslim, when they are actually Muslims pretending to be Hindus, but terrorists can't be Muslims, so what is the real story?
USE: Raymond Davis.

Me: Raymond Davis?
USE: Yes, he was the handler of the make-believe OBL who was NOT hiding in Abottabad.

Me: OK. So what is the strategy to deal with this?
USE: Stop the drone strikes.

Me: How will that help?
USE: It will create strategic depth in Afghanistan, so when the Americans leave, since that is the only reason the OBL make-believe operation was done, we will use them to conquer the world. And protect our strategic assets.

Me: What good are the strategic assets when we can't even stop the Indian Agents who are pretending to be Taliban and Baloch separatists?
USE: We couldn't have spent all that money on stupid things like education and health and all that rubbish. So at least we have something to show for it.

Me: What's the endgame?
USE: To get more money. Quote Clinton "Its the economy, stupid." When the COAS said we will sacrifice prosperity for honour, he meant prosperity for the poor people.

Me: Sir I don't understand any of this.
USE: You are a bloody civilian, how can you?

Me: Do we really have strategic assets?
USE: No, we are working with the Americans on using HAARP. Dr. Atta told me.

Me: I am totally confused now.
USE: Let me sum it up for you. The Hindus/Joos want to take over our strategic assets, so that we are powerless.

Me: But we are powerless now, the drone strikes, the OBL operation, the Hindus attacking our military, how much more powerless can we get?
USE: None of those things happened.

Me: Even the drone strikes?
USE: They must be stopped. Imran Khan told me. Once they are stopped, PTI will hold jirgas everywhere and that will solve all our problems.

Me: But I thought you said none of this is really happening.
USE: It isn't.

Me: Thank you sir, it was a very illuminating experience.
USE: Thank you

Who will be the next leader of the free world?

We already know Mr. Zardari is our President, I am referring to the US elections that are happening in 20 days, unfortunately the leader of the free world is a misnomer, but sometimes these things stick for no reason.

I have been following the build up to the elections in one way or another, sometimes willingly, and at other times, forced to by the media coverage. So we have seen a long drawn out democratic nomination battle between Ms. Clinton and Mr. Obama, and the lackluster republication candidate Mr. McCain. So here is what I think.

The republican candidates for president and vp are straight of out the medieval world. Ms. Palin would put our Jamia Hafsa ladies to shame, with her views on most everything. She thinks that the polar bears will start living on land once the ice melts after they drill the arctic for oil. Just for that, I love her. Thanks to her unwavering belief in god, if it is his will, the polar bears might learn to fly or swim to the Antarctica. She is the product of the neocons age, only god can help US (both the United States and us) when she becomes the President (the actuarial chances of Mr. McCain surviving the next few years being pretty low). As for him, he belongs to the old boys club, who will make sure that the rich get more and bigger tax breaks and everyone and everything else can go to hell.

The democratic candidate Mr. Obama seems a bit more interesting. He is not the typical African American, because he was born to a Kenyan student and American mother. Spent his early childhood in Indonesia with an Indonesian step father, came back to live with his grandparents and went to Harvard Law School. So he is not a brother from the streets of South Chicago. His nomination as the black presidential candidate is a first in the history of US, so its a small but significant step. Mr. Obama is trying very hard to shake off his dubious middle name of Hussein.

With the economy meltdown and Bush and the congress bailing out the financial market, a lot of Americans are very unhappy with the republicans and this shows in the recent opinion polls with Obama leading ten points ahead. The question is whether this will show in the actual polls.

My prediction is that it will not, and the republicans will have another four years in the white house. This is because of the dumbing down of the American society, thanks in part to two terms of Bush and born again Christians and Muslims in America and the rest of the world. My only worry is whether Ms. Palin can become the next President or not because I fear for Alaska and polar bears.

The New Consipracy Theory

I might as well confess that this one is something that I have dreamt up all on my own. The way it started was that I was trying to understand whats happening in Afghanistan and our wild west, with the militants and talibans and whatnot. The following is what makes sense to me.

I am assuming that there is a group of people out there who think that the failure of the Soviet Afghan adventure and their subsequent collapse as a super power is a model that may be followed as true. The US is entrenched in both Afghanistan and Iraq for many reasons but the main one would be to control areas that have oil or may be required to get access to oil. So these people think that by getting America and her allies embroiled in this type of guerrilla war, sooner or later, US will be defeated and this will lead to their eventual collapse. This group then becomes responsible for aiding the militants/talibans/terrorists by giving them cash and or arms ammunitions, and using our wild west as the launching grounds for these offensives. The only difference is that this time around, the government of Pakistan is not endorsing these activities for obvious reasons. That is not to say that the government is involved, just that even if they were involved, they couldn't admit it.

The next question is, who are these people? The usual suspects would be the Saudis, Iranians (mutually exclusive, or so I think) or dare I say it, could it be the Russians?

FDR met with the Saudi King in 1945 aboard a US naval ship. Since then the royal family of KSA has waltzed with the yankees doing everything the holy father in Washington has asked for. But there has been an underlying dissent by people like our friend Ossama. So this group could be made up of people like that, with the money and the motive.

Based on the oldest rivalry in the region between the Arabs and the Persian Empire, the Iranians are next. And they have been against the yanks since forever. I feel it also has to do with the fact that the Saudis decided to side with the US. The US has tried everything, first putting the Shah on the throne, something that didn't last very long. The war with Iraq, with the US on Saddam's side. They have the oil (thus the money) and the motive.

My money would be on the Soviets. I wouldn't put it past my friend Putin to dream up a diabolical plot to bring down the US hegemony. In this fast changing world, where yesterday's friends are today's enemies, a Russian-Taliban alliance would not surprise me at all. Probably fronted by someone else, that would be my guess.

So there you have it, one or more of these groups working together for the state of unrest in the region, whether they will be successful or not, only time will tell!

Hail to the new chief

The coronation has taken place and we have a new king. For someone who was conspicuous by absence as late as December of last year, to come this far is incredible. All the more power to him!

His brilliant wheeling dealing have left no doubts that this is a man of no scruples when it comes to getting his way. Him claiming that whatever he says is not holy writ should make sure everyone knows that he is not a man of his word, and that every thing that he says, is said for expediency's sake and cannot be taken seriously at all. So when he says that parliament is supreme, is that holy writ? I hope the idiots at the receiving end have learnt their lesson, but I have serious misgivings about that.

Let's see what havoc he creates this time around.

In the meanwhile, in a parallel universe but far away from the la la land that we seem to be living in our minds, the realities are still being met with denial. The economy is screwed, all the foreign investments have been pulled out from the stock markets and real estate. As the dollar weakens against all major currencies, the ruppee keeps falling because there is great demand. Inflation has seen new highs in the last few months.

The power distribution companies have minimized their electricity generation and are not paying the companies who are producing it, because the biggest customers, who are the federal and provincial governments have not paid. So the manufacturing and textile industries who are already suffering, don't get enough power to run their units. Our solution, instead of investing in making uninterrupted power available to all, and getting money from their customers (who will be able to run their businesses and pay their bills), the government wants to cut down the working week, so with five days of work with the same available power, they expect that more will be done. It doesn't add up. But who is to argue with stupidity. I just read that they have also increased tariff by 40%.

I am all for a five day week, but this does not make any sense.

The media hype was that we are taking the militants more seriously in terms of dealing with them. I don't know what the truth is or whether anything has changed. There are conspiracy theories galore, my only question would be about who is supporting them with the cash and arms and ammunition? That answer alone would clear up a lot of things. But I don't know the answer and maybe never will. So I sit and wait to see what happens next. If I had the option, I would bail out and go and live in luxury in the south of France. But my meager savings are getting smaller day by day and I am not sure whether they will last me beyond a day or two in Nice. So I sit here, with my head in the sand, hoping for a miracle. I delude myself, as usual.

Here we go again

When will this end? Five women are reportedly buried alive in Balochistan. For allegedly wanting to marry out of their own choice and supporting the idea. And how does the upper house of representatives react? The senator from the area says that its part of the Baloch tradition and therefore it must be accepted. The usual suspects condemn the act and the senator and that is about it.

Suddenly after all the hue and cry, and the autopsy, it is discovered that the women were not buried alive, they were killed before they were buried. Everyone breathes a sigh a relief. Excuse me? So because they were not disposed off in the honourable Baloch fashion, it suddenly becomes okay?

In another news, a seventeen year girl who goes to court to get her marriage annulled, is shot dead by her brothers and father or both. This marriage took place when the girl was 9 years old.

I refuse to use the term that is used for these murders, because murder is what this is and nothing else.

What will happen next? Will the courts and the law do something about it? Oh I forget, according to the Islamic law (Qisaas and Diyat), the brothers will be excused by the father and everyone will go home. Does it make sense? No. Does someone stand up and say this is wrong? Yes, but not one of the Islamic scholars have ever come forward to say it. Makes me think that it is okay according to Islamic law. And if it is, time to change that law. But its a losing battle. Fighting or arguing against absolute truths is generally futile.

I have always maintained that the erstwhile CJ was someone who would at least get the courts moving by his infamous suo motto moves. But alas, he is no more. Our future president, who has been freshly baptized and cleansed of all alleged wrong doings in the past, just cannot afford to have him around, just like our ex-President, both of whom would have been told that they have broken the law and are accountable. And then again FL has been given a get out of jail card, so everything is cool again.

Where does it end?

According to the apologists, this is what justifies the Talibans. I wouldn't mind, if they were even a shade better. But unfortunately they are as bad, if not worse. I say the pox on them both. I am not going to choose the lesser evil. I will hold out till I find a movement that is worthy.

Farewell FL

In my heart of hearts, I like FL. That's because he is so predictable, a pukka soldier type, with very limited vision outside his domain. He should have done well to have retired as the army chief, with his house in zamzama and kids doing well (not counting the Kargil fiasco). But it was not to be. The gunja had to wave a red flag in front of him and the rest is history.

I also do not agree with his list of feats that he claims to have accomplished during his reign. The highlights were as follows

1. Foreign exchange reserves. Rubbish, thanks to the war on terror, hundi had to be stopped. So most of the dollars that we being sent through illegal channels, started coming through the banks. And all the cash that was sent to us by Uncle Sam, that helped too. So yes, the forex levels did go up, but it had nothing to do with him. Must add the petty cash that he claims to have added by the country acting as a bounty hunter.

2. Earthquake Relief. Is he serious? All we got were loans, there were zero grants. So he went out and got Pakistan more loans, brilliant!

3. Women's rights. I just have two words for that, Mukhtaran Mai. Thanks to FL and his beloved Special Advisor, this showed the rest of the world how we respect our women. And can anyone forget his famous words regarding immigration to Canada by getting raped?

4. Free and Fair Elections. I must point out the referendum, where he secured 98% of the vote in his favour. Bollocks!

5. Water and Power. Oh sorry, he couldn't do jack about that.

6. Lal Masjid. Oops, that was the Chaudhries not him.

The list can go forever. I am trying to recall whether he did anything good. I am sure he tried to do some good as well, but did not have the gumption to see those things to the end. My biggest gripe with him has always been the fact that he would make a u-turn on everything that he said. He said he was going to reform the hadood ordinance, before he cowered down before the mullahs. He said he was going to rid us of the Bhuttos and Sharifs, but brought them back.

The sad part is the gloom that surrounds us by the thought of his successors. But that is not reason enough to bemoan his going. We must aim for higher ideals and not accept saviours like FL who do more harm than good.

So I bid thee farewell FL, I will miss your impotence as a military dictator, your not-so-brilliant moves in the face of adversity and most of all your biographies and hope that one day in the future you will write something else which can make people laugh and cry at the same time.

The Continuing Chief Justice Saga

I am going to stick to facts here, no speculation, no assumptions and no additions from my side.

Mr. Chaudhry was appointed the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Pakistan on May 7, 2005. On March 9, 2007, Mr. Chaudhry was suspended by the President of Pakistan and a reference was filed against him. The suspension was later converted into leave, when it was discovered that the constitution did not allow it. On July 20, 2007, Mr. Chaudhry was reinstated by the Supreme Court.

On November 3, 2007, the Chief of Army Staff (who also happened to be the President) declared a State of Emergency, suspending the constitution. During this state of emergency, the (now defunct) judiciary was replaced by Judges who were willing to take the oath under the Provisional Constitutional Order. Some refused and others were not invited to do so. Mr. Chaudhry was part of the latter group. So we had a new and improved (by virtue of the fresh oath) judges in the courts.

The emergency order was rescinded and the constitution restored on December 25, 2007, but all the deposed judges were still under house arrest. They were all removed from the Supreme Court by troops when the emergency was declared. That is the current status. With the exception of one Judge, the rest are all under house arrest.

Just before restoring the constitution, the COAS gave the President the powers to rescind the emergency. Meanwhile, the state of emergency meant that no government servant could be held accountable for what they did. Another interesting thing that was done was that it became legal to court martial a civilian. The significance of this has already been mentioned in another post.

The President then reinstated the constitution, the parliament endorsed the actions of the COAS making it legal after the fact. In an interesting move, the PPP, which was the opposition at the time, stayed away from the voting. So everything cleaned up, and a fresh start for everyone concerned.

Everyone except the former CJ and other Justices. They are still under house arrest, this is denied vehemently by the government everytime they are asked. So although they are not being detained by the government, they can't go anywhere. I don't know what else to call it.

Here are the options, charge them with some crime, take them to the courts, let justice prevail. All the judges are freshly oath-ed. I don't think it will take much to find all the deposed judges guilty of something or the other. The President has already mentioned that the morals of the erstwhile CJ were questionable. I am pretty sure, similar things can be discovered about all the rest too. But how can they be kept under detention without being charged?

So FL, don't get too upset when other people think of us as a banana republic. There is no law here, every law, every constitution can be amended to cater to personal taste. FL claims that the only illegal thing he has ever done is impose emergency, thank you very much, last time I checked, there weren't two strikes or one in this case, before you are declared out.

You gotta love PTA

Hats off to the technical wizards of PTCL, I just lurve them. Sometime last week, someone decided that youtube needs to be shut down, because of some content that endangers Islam or something like that. So the PTA issued notices to the ISPs to block access to youtube.

Apparently someone screwed up big time. According to a report by BBC, some brilliant person renamed the DNS entry of youtube to point at some other website. This entry was replicated by other DNS servers around the world and all mayhem ensued.

God I love these incompetent morons. Youtube was inaccessible for a couple of hours, Google screamed blue murder and now, Youtube is back, even to the guardians of Islam who aptly enough live in Islamabad. I hope Google sues PTA/PTCL/PCCW and takes them to the cleaners.

Keep dreaming.

Return of the Pink Panther

The elections came and went. A few surprises there, but not as many as I would have liked. What was clear was that the King's Party was on its way out, the one thing that was not clear was as to who would replace them.

Whether the elections were rigged or not, we will have to live with the results, like we have in the past. I personally think that FL could have played smarter, for himself that is, by not shooting himself in the foot. Last elections got rid of the supporters of BB and NS, and the recent are responsible for the ouster of MMA, which is good news. I wish Sheeda Tully hadn't lost, but then, such is life.

So here it is, PPP has the highest number of seats, followed by PMLN. PPP had no agenda, they are there because the powers that be wanted them there. BB's assassination helped with the sympathy vote. PMLN and ANP are there because they are the replacements of MMA and PMLQ. The rest are just there. They will join the side that offers them more, or rather if the ruling coalition doesn't offer them what they are asking for, they will have no choice but to sit in the opposition.

PPP has made no promises, PMLN has a two point agenda, getting rid of FL and restoring the CJ. The former because it was left out in the cold and the latter because the Ameerul Momineen wannabe wants to atone for storming the supreme court many many moons ago.

I will go out on a limb and make a prediction. After defections galore, PPP will form a government with the motley crew from PMLQ and MQM and other freelancers. PMLN will be back in the opposition. A totally hung parliament suits everyone and their vested interests. FL will stay and the former CJ will remain erstwhile. And the show will go on.

I hope I am wrong.

Charlie Wilson's War Part Two

I have seen the movie.

Very nicely done, I would give all credit to Tom Hanks, who has done a brilliant job in making this movie funny and watchable. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Julia Roberts have also played their parts well. I am sure Aaron Sorkin is responsible for how conversation keeps flowing and there is never a dull moment.

Its like a western, the good guys vs. the big bad commie bastards. The cavalry arriving just in time to fight off the Indians and save the poor helpless innocents.

I would end my review right there, if it weren't for the fact that this is supposed to be true. Well, I am sure it is based on facts, but it is a very limited view. The film portrays the big bad American government vs. the big bad Soviets, while the hero is a good times congressman from Texas, so at the end, although the hero tries to do the right thing, his efforts are thwarted by his own people.

I say rubbish to that. Charlie Wilson cannot be let off the hook so easily. He cannot be absolved of his responsibility, if he did all the things he has claimed to have done. As a next step, I am reading the book. Will be back later with my comments.

The movie is a must see, especially for Pakistanis, it is funny and well made. 8 out of ten.

Charlie Wilson's War

This one I want to see. How the CIA and American government set up the Mujahideen, a precursor to the Taliban and Al Qaeda. Should read the book as well.

Long live the Queen!

The Queen is dead, long live the Queen!

As the country limps back to normalcy, or whatever is considered normal in these parts, I sit back and ponder. I read and hear what the world has to say and can't believe my eyes and ears. The queen of democracy has named her heir, who has no other qualification save the fact that he is her son, and this somehow is supposed to confirm her position as the flag bearer of democracy. Does anyone else see the irony here?

Loss of human life is always tragic, and an end like this, which lesser mortals like me will never find out the truth about, have an impact which goes beyond the usual sorrow associated with end of a human life. The part where anyone's life can be taken, Gulgee and his wife were murdered in their home last week, and we will probably never find out why. So be it.

When BB came into power in 1988, I was positively biased in her favour. Because she was an educated woman, who had struggled against dictatorship, who was not standing from a platform based on a dogma, she seemed like someone who would at least point us in the right direction. But that was not to be. During her two stints of power, she was either not competent or did not have the right motives, and we gained nothing. She did not do anything for the people of this country. The only thing that she left us with was a bad taste in the mouth, with unconfirmed accusations of plunder and corruption.

Her only motive, or so it seems, was to get power. With no scruples, she would make any deal, with anyone, to get that. Her only legacy is a continuation of the feudal mindset where her last name is more important than anything else. But if we go by that, there is someone more qualified, her niece. Even there, she does not follow her own rules. And her son, will now change his surname, to continue.

I am surprised by the rest of the world, either they know something that we don't, or they are really ignorant of the realities. Suddenly she is now the epitome of everything they stand for. I have not been impressed by anything she had to say, or anything she did. It was all a show, her only qualification was that she was the daughter of Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, and we the serfs should prostrate before all our feudal lords.

People draw parallels between her and the Nehru family, they have all come to violent ends. And then there are the Bushes in the holy land, who would like to follow a similar path. I say the pox on them all.

I am sorry that her life ended the way it did, it should not have. I hope that her son does not follow the same path that she did, but that depends on the rest of us. I pray that we choose our leaders on things other than their last names.

Amnesia or Denial?

The peasants are rejoicing once again. The great saviours of the past and present are all here now.

The most recent saviour has had to give up his magic wand and is not the master wizard anymore. But before he took that drastic step, only in order to perpetuate his self proclaimed status, he has built a wall around him. And thinks, wrongly, that making himself legitimate and giving himself powers, will secure his position. What he doesn't realize is that this will only force his opponents to resort to something above and beyond the legal framework. Something he should know, since he has been doing the same.

In the meanwhile, two new old saviours have arrived. Claiming persecution and unfair play, they want to convince people that the very things they helped destroy, are the things that they want to save. The not so newly hirsute caliph-wannabe had his party storm the supreme court. There was no freedom of the media. The progeny of the east appointed hand picked judges and does not and can not stand any dissent from anywhere. Chairperson for life, that is what her title is. And these clowns are now the champions of democracy?

I am not a fan of the great wizard. And I still don't think he will amount to much. What I am concerned with is that how people are eagerly lapping up the hogwash dished out by all. Are we in denial? Or do we suffer from memory loss? Have we forgotten how we have rejoiced every time someone gets kicked off the throne?

As I have concluded earlier, this is a big farce being played out for public consumption at large. In other parts of the country, the army is killing as many militants in Swat as NATO forces are in Afghanistan. TWAT (The War Against Terrorism) rages on. Some people say that the situation is no different than East Pakistan. There is no solution but brute force. I wish I knew the answer. When the state is incapable of enforcing its writ, or ignores the flouting of law, for its own vested interest, it has to come to a boil. How is this different from Kashmir? Where we say the locals are not allowed to live the way they want to and the state is using force to quell their discontent. Where does one draw the line?

There are more questions than there are answers. No short term solutions here. Long terms solutions require people with vision and the courage of their convictions. Our saviours have none of those things. So maybe this numbing of senses or self induced amnesia is the only way out.

Anastasio Somoza Garcia

Somoza was the dictator ruler of Nicaragua from 1936 to 1956, when he was assassinated. A nice 20 year run, where with the assistance of US, he centralized all the powers in his hands and everyone lived happily ever after.

Roosevelt is supposed to have said "Somoza may be a son of a bitch, but he is our son of a bitch". This has been denied and no official record has been found to support the claim that Roosevelt said anything of the kind. The sentiment behind this has been consistent, and the US has fostered people like Somoza all over the world. The list includes Shah of Iran, Noriega, Zia ul Haq, etc. etc.

This expression was used by three journalists of the Daily Telegraph in their report about Pakistan and its dictator, after which they were kicked out of the country. The President of Pakistan wants them to apologize. They should not have called him a son of a bitch, but a puppet dictator of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. I think that would have gone down better.

In the meanwhile, civilians can now be tried under a court-martial. This is by presidential decree which is retrospective starting from 2003. Takes care of all the beardos we shipped out to Camp X-ray and other places.

Brilliant, I just hope dictators read history, even if they don't like called being sons of bitches.

Let the festivities begin

I hereby thank all the gods that I don't believe in and I declare that all peasants rejoice. For once again, the gods have stepped in, in the form of a military person albeit surrounded by the usual suspects, to save this country and nation from the greatest disaster. I kowtow to them all. And can't help but wonder if it weren't for their timely intervention, this country would have been destroyed many times over in the last 60 years. They have saved us at least four times.

I will make sacrifices, maybe a virgin or two, or a few animals, or whatever it is that the gods like these days. I wish we could be like the Chinese and burn fake paper money and be done with it. The Chinese gods are not really up to speed with fake currency detection, so monopoly money works. The latest god likes animals, maybe we can sacrifice a virtual goat or something.

But before I get carried away with the whole sacrifice ritual, let me tell you what makes me really happy. The fundamentalists of all flavours want us to go back to the time of whenever they launched their roadshows. The way that we are being saved every few years by the gods, it is reminiscent of those wonderful ages. So the fundamentalists can join in the celebrations. We welcome all kinds.

Since I cannot write anything about FL, I will desist. I don't want to spend three years in jail, that being the penalty for writing anything against him. My only plaintive wish is that he do something about the things he is complaining against. The question that comes to mind is that if things are so screwed up, who was in-charge? That is a rhetorical question.

I have no hope for us, so let the festivities begin.