Interview with a Security Guru

With the ongoing security situation in Pakistan, especially with the military, yours truly decided to conduct an in depth interview with a very senior security consultant codename USE. For reasons of security (what else?) his name will not be disclosed, suffice to say that he is a very senior military officer, expert in everything (like all of us), and most of all matters of national and internal security.

Me: Hello sir!
USE: At ease, bloody civilian.

Me: Thank you sir. Can you please shed some light on the recurring breaches of security and sovereignty that are happening?
USE: What rubbish! There has never been a breach, ever.

Me: Sir, you said the same thing when the GHQ was attacked two years ago....
USE: It has come to light that it was a joint jooish/raw/indian saazish, and nothing really happened, just like the OBL thing that happened in Abottabad was a figment of imagination. There was no OBL, no blackhawk, no house, no nothing.

Me: How do you know that?
USE: General Aslam Beg told me.

Me: Oh ok! What about the attack on PNS Mehran?
USE: What attack? Thats just some Hindus lighting up firecrackers on Sharae Faisal.

Me: There are still some Hindus left in Pakistan? Isn't that a security breach in itself?
USE: No, they are actually Muslims pretending to be Hindus, pretending to be Taliban. Mr. Zaid Hamid told me.

Me: So the Taliban are Indian agents, pretending to be Muslim, when they are actually Muslims pretending to be Hindus, but terrorists can't be Muslims, so what is the real story?
USE: Raymond Davis.

Me: Raymond Davis?
USE: Yes, he was the handler of the make-believe OBL who was NOT hiding in Abottabad.

Me: OK. So what is the strategy to deal with this?
USE: Stop the drone strikes.

Me: How will that help?
USE: It will create strategic depth in Afghanistan, so when the Americans leave, since that is the only reason the OBL make-believe operation was done, we will use them to conquer the world. And protect our strategic assets.

Me: What good are the strategic assets when we can't even stop the Indian Agents who are pretending to be Taliban and Baloch separatists?
USE: We couldn't have spent all that money on stupid things like education and health and all that rubbish. So at least we have something to show for it.

Me: What's the endgame?
USE: To get more money. Quote Clinton "Its the economy, stupid." When the COAS said we will sacrifice prosperity for honour, he meant prosperity for the poor people.

Me: Sir I don't understand any of this.
USE: You are a bloody civilian, how can you?

Me: Do we really have strategic assets?
USE: No, we are working with the Americans on using HAARP. Dr. Atta told me.

Me: I am totally confused now.
USE: Let me sum it up for you. The Hindus/Joos want to take over our strategic assets, so that we are powerless.

Me: But we are powerless now, the drone strikes, the OBL operation, the Hindus attacking our military, how much more powerless can we get?
USE: None of those things happened.

Me: Even the drone strikes?
USE: They must be stopped. Imran Khan told me. Once they are stopped, PTI will hold jirgas everywhere and that will solve all our problems.

Me: But I thought you said none of this is really happening.
USE: It isn't.

Me: Thank you sir, it was a very illuminating experience.
USE: Thank you